Wedding Ideas: Groom Planners

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What if men had complete control of the wedding day? James Kerley explores the repercussions

Letting a man plan a wedding day is on par with letting a fi ve-year-old plan the party food… zero nutrition and lots of artificial colouring. Classically speaking, fairytale weddings are driven by women making the hard calls, putting in the detailed planning and stress to make it the best goddamn day of their lives. Hand this over to us men and here’s what it’s likely to look like.


Unadjusted Kelly Country suits for the men in the wedding party and low-cut tops and short skirts for the bridesmaids. Add to that a homemade garter and a really freshly plucked (church garden on the way in) bouquet and you’re getting the idea. The wedding dress would be too tight or too baggy at some point, as “one fi tting should be more than enough to get it right”. We’re all for equality of the sexes, so we’d have matching budgets for the dress and the groom’s suit.


Beer? Everyone loves beer, right? Kegs for all would kick off the festivities, followed with some deep-fried modern cuisine … like dimmies, spring rolls and some sangas. There could also be some drinking games mixed in with the proceedings.


Robin Thicke and his “Blurred Lines” would stay back in 2013 where it belonged ... or perhaps return to be used as a walk-down-the-aisle track? Anything is possible if us guys were set free to decide on something like a wedding. An AC/DC medley as an extended bridal waltz would be a crowd-pleaser.


A text, email or Facebook invite pumped out about a month or so before the big day should do the trick and free up some time for more important stuff. We’d like to get serious about organising any finer details no later than a week out from the big day.


This would be booked too late — that is, there wouldn’t be one — or the one that was left would come with a little bonus of having a big screen playing sport and Keno, which would be great for all those guests who get bored stiff at weddings.


Much of the budget would go into the wedding cars, those with some raw power like a Holden HSV or Ford Monaro, and the honeymoon would coincidentally coincide with the World Cup being held in the same city.

As much as we complain or are amazed at how much care, stress and energy you ladies put into getting the Big Day right, deep down we know if it was left in our hands, we would make a complete mess of things. In fact, scientists* have discovered that women have a part of the brain specifi cally designed to organise major events such as weddings. They’ve also discovered that we’re experts at saying how bad we are at doing such things, so we don’t ever have to get our stress levels up and freak out for months like the female of the species. We’re smarter than we look.

* Scientist is a vague broad term used here to illustrate a point that has no true grounding in science.

James Kerley is an Australian TV and radio host and author of best-selling book for men, The Man Plan (


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